Confessions of a Flawed Zone Leader

I can still remember that day, over 33 years ago, when I got the transfer letter informing me that I was going to be a Zone Leader. This calling truly frightened me. How could I be a Zone Leader?

My doubts came from me constantly fighting against feelings of inadequacies I felt as a District Leader. I thought for sure that when I was made District Leader a magic wand would be waved and all self-doubt and personal struggles would instantly disappear. Well, they didn’t.

There was no magic wand. All the temptations and shortcomings I had as a senior companion, and those I brought with me from before my mission, simply followed me when I became a District Leader. I didn’t expect that. I thought for sure I would be magically transformed into a better person.

But now, being called as Zone Leader, surely God would wave His wand this time. There was no way He could use someone as flawed as I was in such a position.

My guess is that you know how this story ends.

There was no magic wand and once again my flaws followed me to my next calling. In fact, these flaws kept following me until I had the courage to face them head on and was finally willing to do the hard work necessary to allow God to change my heart.

I retell this story to drive home an important point. Too often we think that after having been a missionary we are entitled to be free from all weaknesses that haunted us before and during our missions. This false notion frustrates many returned missionaries when they come home.

They errantly think that all flaxen cords that once bound them were forever removed from their lives only to painfully discover that most of these annoying cords were sitting there on the bed right where they left them.

What we fail to realize is that a mission is an existence apart from reality. It is a time God grants us to live in a laboratory where challenges and temptations are tightly controlled. Then, when released from that laboratory, those controls are gone and we are inundated with hard dose of reality.

For example, many missionaries who, before their missions, struggled with the plague of pornography, felt confident that they were cured of this curse because they had no problems while serving as a missionary. So they come home feeling sure that those struggles are behind them.

Not so. While abstinence from pornography will strengthen one, it is not a cure. The cure will only come when that person can fight those strong temptations where access is abundant and not curtailed.

As we learned from Elder Lund at our last stake conference, the key to being a successful returned missionary comes from understanding that a mission is the beginning of the great journey of life and not the destination.

So what does that mean?

You served a mission. Congratulations! But now it is time to apply those lessons learned in that laboratory into real life. Here are some simple suggestions:

• Never assume you are immune to temptations.The sweet siren songs of past successes can easily lull you towards the rocky waters of sin.
• Never create obstacles to learning. Video games, hobbies, media, and too much leisure time create such obstacles.
• Never try to recapture the days of your youth. Put your hand to the plow and don’t look back.
• Never face the turbulence of life alone. If you find yourself facing former temptations, reach out and get help.

There is no magic wand. Coming closer to Christ is a journey not an event.

Exactness

The talks on Sunday about different aspects of obedience, as well as President Mullen’s concluding comments opened the door for a boarder discussion about the importance of obeying with exactness.

Please note, this post is not intended to drudge up feelings of guilt or to turn roommates against each other in a quest to rid ourselves of sin.

Quite the contrary, this post is designed to create an atmosphere of dialog and to motivate each of us to look inward to see where we can make the necessary course corrections that will better position us to receive God’s blessings.

You see, this is the whole point of obedience. God, parents, priesthood leaders, or BYU do not give us commandments to make us miserable. Rather, these commandments provide us a means to be happy. Once we make that transition from seeing rule as an irritant to seeing them as a vehicle to find happiness, then we will truly begin to understand that man is that he might have joy.

So, let’s get to it.

Each of you signed a contract with Centennial to abide by the BYU Honor Code. Because you signed this contract willingly, you are under a legal and moral obligation to abide by these rules. Failure to comply with these rules may put you at risk academically as well as jeopardize your ability to live at this facility.

Here are some of the rules from the BYU Off-Campus Housing site that apply to each of you while at Centennial:

• Visitors of the opposite sex are permitted in living rooms and kitchens, but not in the bedrooms in off-campus living units.
• The use of bathroom areas by members of the opposite sex is not appropriate unless emergency or civility dictate otherwise and then only if the safety, privacy, and sensitivity of other residents are not jeopardized.
• Visiting hours may begin after 9:00 a.m. and extend until 12:00 midnight.
• Friday night visiting hours may extend until 1:30 a.m.
• Landlords may establish a shorter visiting period within the time frame stated above if proper notice is given to students. This policy applies to all housing units occupied by single students.
• All students of university-contracted housing are required to know the BYU dress and grooming standards and abide by them.

Some may see these rules as arcane and unnecessary. Others may feel that such restrictive policies simply invite rule breaking. Still others may feel that the inability to consistently enforce there rules make them nothing more than a facade.

While these all may be true, but if this is your attitude, you fail to understand two concepts.

First, you signed the contract. That means you committed to follow these rules. Open rebellion against these rules is a breach of contract which represents a lack of personal integrity.

Second, when you choose to live in a community, you have willingly sacrifice some of your personal freedoms. A community cannot exist in anarchy. No one has the right to jeopardize the potential positive experience of another person. Rules violations, at any degree, place you on the path to negatively impact the life of another person.

Let’s be honest. No one ever found greater happiness when they purposely violated any of these rules. No relationship was ever improved by breaking the curfew or by going beyond the boundaries within an apartment. No one ever gained greater respect of their peers by dressing or acting immodestly.

I encourage each of you to do the following:

• Take the time to personally reflect on your attitudes towards these rules.
• Discuss as an apartment how to help each other do better to live by these rules
• Make the necessary course correction to position yourself to receive the joy that comes from obeying with exactness.

I look forward to your comments.

The Art of Listening

As we all work harder to be more inclusive in our circle of friends to make sure there are no more strangers in the ward, we need to make work harder to improve our listening skills. The foundation of great communication is built upon a listening ear.

So, what can we do to improve our listening skills? Here are some easy suggestions:

1. Ask sincere questions. Let’s be honest, there really is such a thing as a dumb question. I would say a dumb question is one where you really don’t care about the answer, you simply used the question to fill a void.

We need to view questions as a treasure map. Questions provide us clues to help us get to know that person with whom you are conversing. So tailor your conversations to give the other person an opportunity to help you get to know them better.

2. Carefully note how your questions are answered. Yes, as you seek to get to know someone better you run the risk of asking something that is too personal. This is not a disaster unless you fail to catch on.

For example, it is typically non-threatening to ask about someone’s family. But let’s assume the person you are trying to get to know just heard that his or her parent’s separated.Well, now a normal question has the potential stir up some raw emotions.

The sensitive person will notice the difficulty of the situation and try to steer the conversation a different direction.

4. Don’t be an expert. When trying to create an atmosphere of open communication, it is frustrating when you automatically assume the role of expert on each topic. No one wants to be around someone who knows everything.

Instead of being an expert, seek to understand why the other person feels the way they do. You don’t have to agree with them. But it is not a good idea to always make your disagreements known.

4. Verify that you clearly understood the answer. Before you assume you understood what someone just said, take the time to verify that you really understood. Sometimes people don’t communicate clearly. Sometimes we don’t listen completely. It is better to ask for clarification than to assume you understood and do the exact opposite of the person expected.

5. Find a way to incorporate what you learned in the relationship. When you discover small nuggets of information, look for ways to meet the other person’s needs by providing them something they mentioned in the conversation. This small act of kindness will go a long way to improve a friendship.

None of this stuff is hard. Just listen.

No More Strangers…

One of the great challenges facing Christ’s early church was overcoming the natural and centuries old divisions between Jews and Gentiles. After Peter received the revelation that Gentiles had as much right to join the Church as did Jews, the stage was set for conflict. As the Apostle Paul was the foremost missionary to the Gentile nations, we see this division through his eyes.

Christian congregations in Corinth, Thessalonica, Galatia, and Rome all struggled to create a sustainable atmosphere of unity. But in Ephesus, the strains caused by this difficult division seemed most prominent. To combat this schism, Paul wrote:

Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints, and of the household of God… Ephesians 2:19

This doctrine of unity is extremely important to each of us as we are all part of a ward community. We all come to this community from different backgrounds. We all have different personalities. While we may have the church in common, we still have fundamental differences in how we feel our religion should be practiced. This is normal.

Yet in spite of these differences, we all have one thing in common. We all need each other.

The problem with friendship in a singles ward is that there is a pervasive feeling that any attempt at friendship between the men and women is simply a prelude to marriage. I want to make it clear that I view this cultural constraint on friendship to be abhorrent. So much so that I think this oppressive pressure to marry is one of the greatest obstacles to the sense of community we all need to be fellow citizens with the saints.

My goal for this ward is simple. I hope that each member in this ward could go to any apartment or spend time with any ward member and feel sincerely accepted and cared for.

Yes, we do have this in abundance. But we can do better. How can we breakdown the remaining walls that make some of us feel like strangers and foreigners and live by Paul’s vision of each of us being fellow citizens with the saints?

While I do have suggestions, and I have stated them in previous blog posts, I am asking each apartment to come together over this weekend and discuss small and simple things you can do to foster greater unity. Look for small and simple things that can help expand your established circle of friends to include all ward members.

The key to remember is that friendships are more valued when they are sincere and not burdened with hidden agendas.

10 Habits of Highly Successful Relationships

Because we have a covey of Covey’s in our ward, (and we anticipate a new Covey some time in March) I thought it would be cool to borrow (okay, plagiarize) one of Stephen R. Covey’s most famous titles. But not wanting to assume myself equal to Br. Covey, I one-upped him – actually three-upped him.

While Br. Covey presents seven habits for highly effective people, I am proposing 10 habits for highly successful relationships.

Please note that a highly successful relationship does not imply, nor does it exclude one that leads to marriage. Rather, a successful relationship is one where both parties are are edified – let’s call it friendship.

1	Practice personal, impromptu visits.	Most people like a short, unplanned visits at their apartment. Such visits help the one being visited know that he or she matter.
2	Provide sincere handwritten notes.	No one hates a Cheer Note. But we do not have to restrict sincere, positive notes to once a week. If you something positive to say to someone, write it down and share it with them. A handwritten note means much more than a text, e-mail, or Face Book post.
3	Promote quality not always quantity time.	We are all busy. Nothing is more annoying then someone dominating your time when you have an assignment due or a test to study for. But everyone can spare 3-5 minutes a day to chat about any topic. Be sensitive to each other’s time. But be a part of each other’s lives.
4	Prevent hidden agendas.	Refrain from assuming that every relationship must lead to marriage or it is not worth exploring. Focus on every relationship leading to friendship. Don’t let this oppressive culture of marriage spoil your need to be a friend.
5	Get to know everyone’s names.	Calling someone by their name shows you cared enough to learn it. It is all right to ask someone their name several times until you learn it.
6	Sit by someone different each week at church.	This is a simple and highly effective to fostering friendships. The awkwardness of sitting next to someone you don’t know fades quickly.
7	Provide instant, positive feedback.	Whenever someone does anything nice for you, no matter how small, reciprocate by providing instant, positive feedback. The chance of that person doing something nice for you again increases dramatically.
8	De-emphasize the importance of physical attraction.	I am serious about this one, but understand I am fighting strong cultural eddies. A sustainable relationship is built only upon commitment and consistent kindness, not physical appearance. In my opinion, seeking a relationship based on physical appearance represents an unrighteous judgment which offends God.
9	Listen more, talk less.	The art of communication is best learned by listening. Carefully craft your conversations so listening leads to greater understanding. Then both are edified.
10	Niceness is neither wasted nor forgotten.	Kindness is never wasted. It may not bring instant rewards but it is never wasted. Seek for small and simple ways to show kindness everyday.

Consider the Lilies

“Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

If then God so clothe the grass, which is to day in the field, and to morrow is cast into the oven; how much more will he clothe you…” Luke 12:27-28

As I have contemplated the needs of this new ward, I read the preceding verse and had an epiphany. Christ is offering, here, the only sure way each of us can overcome those horrible feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem that tend to inflict each of us.

Many years ago, I took my Priest Quorum on a hike up Mt. Timpanogos. They wanted to hike at 10:00 p.m. to summit before sunset. As we neared the meadow created by a natural bowl in the rock formation, we paused from our hike to rest.

It was a dark, moonless night so we had no idea what the terrain looked like as we all laid down to sleep for a few minutes. It wasn’t until our descent from the summit, when the sun had replaced the moon, that we were all overawed by the beauty of this small mountain meadow.

The wild flowers were an bloom and presented a majestic rainbow of colors. To this day, that beautiful image millions of mountain flowers is imbedded in my mind.

Yet, as gorgeous as that scene was, in a matter of days it was gone. The flowers would either die in the sun or give way to the snow. It was a transient, temporary beauty.

Now ask yourself, if God is so willing to create a meadow with such stunning but temporary beauty, only to let its slip away in the rapid passage of time, how much more effort does God put into you?

Each of us is of infinite worth to the Father. He loves and cares for us far more than He does His beautiful mountain meadows. If we could but catch a glimpse of how God views us, we would rarely, if ever, question our own self-worth.

God is doing all He can to bring you back to Him. He is fighting your fights. He is lifting up your arms that hang low. He is strengthening your feeble knees. He sends legions of angels to watch and care for you. Why?

Because you are His child and He loves you.

So, when those moments of despair come, and the will. When you feel unloved or unlovable, and you will. Consider the lilies. “If then God so clothe the grass, which is to day in the field, and to morrow is cast into the oven; how much more will he clothe you…”

The Stable -- A Symbol of Hope

For the past few years I have tried to look at different aspects of the Christmas story to keep the spirit of Christmas ever fresh in my mind. This year, my focus has been on the lowly stable where Christ was born. This stable brings up many questions in my mind.

What was the stable like? In various nativity scenes the stable is portrayed as a quiet, quaint, and almost sacred place. But I don’t think this romanticized view of this wretched place does justice to the lesson God is trying to teach.

Rather than a place worthy of the birth of the King of Kings, the stable was likely a cave filled with soiled hay. It was probably cleaned out infrequently but even after this cleaning, it wreaked of decades of dirty animals.

My guess is the air in the stable was heavy, difficult to breath, and filled with flies. The ground as always damp an covered with saturated hay. There as a constant scurrying about of rodents.I can imagine that prior to entering this stable, people would take a deep in order to avoid breathing in this putrid air. This was not a place fit for humans.

Why would the Father choose the stable to be the birthplace for His Son?

Jesus was a new-born baby. He had no recollection of the stable. So, the stable could hold no lesson for Him.

Joseph clearly understood the importance of Mary’s child. To help him avoid breaking off their engagement, an angel appeared to him. From that point on, Joseph did all he could to protect Mary and to ease her great burden. I assume that Joseph felt only guilt for not finding a more suitable place for this sacred Child to be born.There was no lesson here for him.

Mary needed no more lessons on humility or submission. For nine months she bore the shame of being an unwed mother and almost lost the opportunity to marry the man she loved. That Mary so willingly accepted this inhospitable place to bring her Child into this world is a testament of her great humility and her willingness to submit to all the will of the Lord.

No, I don’t think the stable held any vital lessons for Jesus, Joseph, or Mary.Rather, I believe the stable is an important symbol for anyone seeking to be a disciple of Christ.

What can we learn from the stable?

I feel the most important lesson we can learn for this wretched stable is that our personal pathway to eternal life pass right through that most horrible place. Our mortal experience is symbolized in this most lowly of stables.

Each of us is beloved child of God. Yet, in spite of our birthright, we are all sent to this fallen earth awash in filth and grime. Mortality is our stable. None of us will come through this experience unscathed. But we are not without hope.

Because of the Christ-child, we can all be cleansed from the seemingly indelible stains of mortality. There is no sin we can commit nor pain we must endure that cannot be lifted by the selfless sacrifice of God’s beloved son.

This is the message heralded by the angel announcing the birth to the shepherds:

Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.

I urge each of you to follow the shepherds and come with haste to worship the Son. Let Him bind up your wounds and dry your tears. That ancient stable blessed to be the birthplace of our Savior is our message of hope.